“Listen to the wisdom of your body”
It takes the roaring of my annoyed body for me to finally come to terms with my innumerous inadequacies and flaws, which until now I’ve conveniently pushed to the back of my head, allowing me to maintain my “I am invincible” composure.
The most current diagnosis entails tendonitis of my wrist, thumb, a strained and sprained neck and rotator cuff, muscle spasms in my shoulder, and potentially more provided I continue being stubborn and not go to physical therapy. This of course plied my eyes open, and more stifled nags from my body resurfaced— The white specks on my nails that could quickly diminish if I chose to stop ignoring my mother’s pleas to take my vitamins. Those rare blemishes that tend to surface beg me to take a chill pill and stop stressing about the most unfixable and insignificant issues. The dry face and aching head that greet me every weekend from dehydration make me think—imagine how parched my liver is? Those raccoon eyes that are not only unpleasant to look at but also mark the aftermath of burst capillaries and other mechanisms of my body working in overdrive from lack of sleep. And, lastly, my ankle which has always and will always be a nuisance. Regardless, I continue to parade around in heels on Newbury Street. It makes me wonder if physical therapy would have actually mended it. Which reminds me that I SHOULD go to physical therapy for my newest ailments and that I should probably wear my ankle brace everyday?
These inadequacies of course are revealed after the most superficial layers are stripped off. Recently, I’ve found myself full of emotions of fear and insecurity- feelings I never knew I was capable of having until now—solely because of this new nudity. While interviewing candidates for my position at work for after I leave, I found I was faced with a (very short-lived) moral dilemma. Do I recommend the more inadequate candidate, (who I of course judged unfairly the second after I met her) so I can remain the best at my job, or the more capable? I of course did the right thing; regardless, this company’s name is in my future and my supervisor has told me on numerous counts that I have superseded prior interns and her expectations. Even still, the notion of being replaced still makes me uncomfortable because it opens a window of opportunities for the next six months in which my inefficiencies may be further exposed by a new, potentially flawless intern.
THIS leads me to think even deeper into more of my proverbial shortcomings. With the future a mere six months away, now more than ever is when I should grow concerned about my post-graduate career. As far as graduate school goes, I’ve found something that I am sincerely interested in, and with the knowledge of how difficult and pressing these aspirations are- I’ve still felt no pressure in preparing for the PCATS. Once time comes (very quickly) to take the exam, I’m sure an amended version of this particular post will result.
For all of these reasons, I’ve never seemed to relate to and understand how, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” Recently, I feel as though I’ve become the token vanguard for bad influences, methods of procrastination, and overall “suckiness” for lack of a better word. Surprisingly enough, I have hope that this is partly attributed to the co-op life, and once the end of the six months comes and I return to classes, my health, well-being, and academic career will once again be in order. I also have faith that after this self-exposure I will become more conscious of my flaws and strive to remedy them. I know this is a far stretch, but tendonitis seemingly (&hopefully) enough can have life-altering effects—our bodies will always know best.
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