vicious cycle
Every morning, 7:45 AM, the alarm sings too soon.
Every morning, the same dreaded feeling passes through me as I plant my feet on the ground and make futile attempts to convince myself to sleep early tonight, THIS time for sure.
Every morning, I miscalculate, and give myself too little time and run out the door at 8 AM. I bank on the car ride to do my make-up and consume my daily potent coffee.
Every morning, I’m in no mood to finish my bagel, whether hungry or not. But what’s one more little bagel in the grand scheme of doing things against my will? – I finish my bagel, usually.
Every morning, I arrive at work with no time to settle in before I begin the day’s tasks. I pull on my white lab coat and step into the laboratory.
Every morning, my stomach rumbles at 11:30 AM; maybe I should have a bigger breakfast tomorrow? –No.
Every afternoon, I tear off my coat at 1:30 PM, grab my roaring stomach, and hope that I’ll make it to the cafeteria in time with enough food still remaining.
Every afternoon, I make the same salad: pasta, basil leaves, feta, chick peas, balsamic vinaigrette, and a sprinkle of black pepper. I glance at the salt shaker and decide, nope- my tongue is too sensitive to salt.
Every afternoon, the portions of my salad get smaller.
Every afternoon, I struggle with too few hands to scan my ID to unlock the door to the office.
Every afternoon, my co-worker grabs the door handle before I get the chance, to open the door for me- even though he has too few hands as well.
Every afternoon, I devour my salad.
Every afternoon, I check my phone with hope.
Every afternoon, always disappointed.
Every afternoon, my stomach rumbles at 3:30 PM. Maybe I should have a bigger lunch tomorrow.- No.
Every evening, the bleak sky greets us as we leave the suburbs of Boston.
Every evening, we get stuck in rush hour traffic right in front of a gym. Maybe I should go to the gym tonight. –No, tomorrow instead.
Every evening, I must get my ounce of normal social interactions- but only for a bit, I must sleep early tonight, I tell myself.
Every night, I’m home too late.
Every night, I long for bed and dread the shower. But, nature calls.
Every night, I pull the covers over my head and wish it was earlier. Exhale, and pray to God that I will sleep thoughtlessly through the entire night, and that the worst of my feelings that have overstayed their welcome will finally leave.
Every morning, at 4 AM I wake up in a cold sweat from some sort of surreal nightmare.
Every morning, at 4 AM I get up for the bathroom; go over to the pictures of God at the back of my desk, “Jay Swaminarayan,” I thought I was Agnostic? I think to myself, and shrug it off. I go back to bed.
Every morning, at 4 AM, I curse at my incomprehensible thoughts for always snatching the scarce hours of sleep away from me.
Every morning, 7:45 AM, the alarm sings too soon.
Routine, (winter) doldrums,Bleh ( to continue the theme of last week).
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